Conspiracy

Well, probably not acccctually a conspiracy but still pretty darn suspicious if you ask me. So, getting back on track these days (slowly but surely - more slowly than surely, really. Maybe slowly and surly). That means protein for breakfast. Like, well, CHEESE. A small babybel, light, of course. So I get it out of the little net bag and bring it (with my tomatoes) to my desk where I unwrap the cheese to find - TA DA! - a fliying disk instead of breakfast. They disgusied it in a little babybel packet. Clever. I tell ya. These babybel people are lucky I saw an old man in a white members only jacket on the bus this morning. Otherwise, I could have been a little miffed. Instead, I just thought it was funny. Life just keeps on throwing out jokes. Am I the butt? ha haaa.

Game ON!

Back to the game today. Went this morning. And will go again tonight! I have been feeling so angry and irritable that I just had to go HIT. I am now totally and honestly in touch with why I love tennis: hitting helps with the aggression.

Feeling both goofy and grumpy (I don't actually mind that combination sometimes) has inspired me to share some important messages with no one:
1. Parsley is not a garnish! It has a taste and some people hate it. Please stop sprinkling it liberally all over cucumbers, asparagus, tomatoes, etc. and adulterating what was perfectly good food until you came along with your herb fetish. (This is for the lunch people across the street.). The same goes for onions.
2. Lassos are still allowed on airplanes. Good thing.
3. Raspberry lime Poland Spring sparkling water tastes like a popsicle and pop rocks. If reading this made you want some, you are as suggestible as I am, a marketer's dream.
4. Is anyone still reading this? Don't give up on me... even if I do sometimes.

Drifiting

Today I feel like I am drifting. There is some comfort in this feeling. Some familiarity. Newswise, this has been an intense week for people I care about. I am just one small, floating head in the grand sea of things.

I managed to force myself to the gym yesterday. I am well aware that when things start piling up (and I don't mean pounds) that depression can get a leg up on me if I don't exercise. And so I did. I felt better. And will go again and feel better again today. Sometimes I just feel helpless. But, this go 'round, I don't feel worthlessness assocaite with it. Thanks goodness. My job for now is to support people who need it.

Wagons East

Another good country weekend. Beautiful weather. Saturday night, I shriveled in some friends' hot tub in the Catskills and stared at the stars for hours. It was heaven. Much needed.

I have not been motivated to exercise or write or eat well. Just pretty blah these days. Lots going on, I guess. Time.

Arrrgh!

Chipper this morning. Laughing. Went to bed giggling and woke up with the warm, happy laughter hangover that is totally precious. Today I am grateful. After a yucky week, I woke up with some clarity. And this is thanks to amazing friends: friends who check on me, inspire me, who cheer me, who encourage me, who listen to me, and who love me when I forget how to do it myself. I am ceaslessly amazed at the wisdom of people so young and so busy. I am grateful for friends who know me so well. For cake with candles. For long time companions who lift me up when I can't do it on my own. :) Just thinking these thoughts brings me back to where I want to be. Thank you.

Weight today: I didn't look. And, trust me, we don't want to know. Anyway, that's not what it's about today...

If only...

confidence really did come in a tube. Ah, life would be easier. It would also be good if money, good looks and happiness came in tubes as well. (Feel free to add your own product ideas for tube-y convenience.)

My confidence has taken such a hit that I am going to need the whole tube. Crushed by my father's wife, yet again, I am reeling this week trying to figure out how to patch up and go on. In my mind, his silence during the assault was tantamount to complicity. It is so painful to wrangle through and with that one, trying to understand that there are forces stronger than love that can motivate a person.

Birthday Bounty

The magic in the details is keeping me going for now. I don't like birthdays. And I don't like September 11th. I am, however, glad that I was born. And glad that I am still here to be glad I was born. Having a birthday on 9/11 makes it more of a Thanksgiving for me than the real Thanksgiving. In my little life so far, I have marveled and breathed and observed loved and relished and basked and enjoyed - much of it consciously really.

This little nest is a treasure. The light on the grapes was pretty treasuriffic too actually.

I have struggled the last few days. Family stuff more than anything. Re-reading my favorite book, I came across this sentence: "My anger was as big as I was." I could read it a thousand times and still feel myself liquefy each time. There is something true in that thought for me. And that I don't particularly relish. And so, for now, I focus on the magic details instead. What a tiny bird (with a tiny brain) to lay tiny eggs for tiny babies in such a tiny nest. The light on it. Isn't it beautiful?

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Grin and Bike It

A little sunning, a little biking. Some dorking. Some drinking. A lot of eating. Oh man. This will certainly call for a do-over! I can't believe how much I have lost control. It has been a very relaxing time though and good news from the Boca front - we won our case. My faith in the judicial system is restored (for now). Just have to restore my eating plan to its former glory. I have noticed such a tremendous difference in the way I feel! And it is not just psychological. I am pleased to have had a small break without totally shredding myself. No merciless comments. No rage. :) Back to courts tomorrow. Sweet sister has promised to play with me every day! A-ha!