Ho Ho Ho

Off tomorrow from some Ho-in' in Ho-town, Geneva... the Lampoonesque Christmas trip will feature immediate and extended family in Switzerland and Italy followed by recovery alone in Dubai. In just days I will be playing tennis outside and skiing inside... whoa!

I hope your holidays and the new year are filled with peace of heart and truckloads of laughter.

Here's (picture me with a raised glass of ... well, fill in the blank with your favorite adult beverage) to you at the holidays. May your days be merry and bright.

A holiday chuckle (and accompanying rage)

The title can also be, why men can be so disappointing.

I did not internalize this. But I do want to externalize it. I know it is long, but once you start, you won't be able to help finishing. And if you don't laugh, something is direly wrong with you. And me... like, I need to dye my hair blonde.

I wrote to a guy on match. He was not attractive but did have interesting things to say... was funny (a pirate at Halloween), smart (articulate, physician, patented inventor), and financially stable (owns his apartment building). I was nice, friendly.

His response:
i like your way of thinking. i'd be interested in dating you under a
ridiculous condition: you would need to go on a diet to become the
sort of woman that i see myself dating, as verified by steadily
decreasing weight each time i see you. call it the david diet.
i know, this is ridiculous. but there you have it. you seem great in
every respect except the excess weight. i myself am overweight; i know
it is not easy to lose pounds especially if it is done gradually and
healthfully. i think if you lost 30 pounds and died your hair blonde
you would be a gem.
so if you want to come over to be weighed and take a walk through the
botanical gardens with a delicious low-cal lunch, let me know when
would be convenient. or you could lose 30 pounds, post your new
pictures and watch me wink, along with hunderds of other guys.

Suggested responses from friend:

i detest your way of thinking. i'd be interested in dating you under an absolutely serious condition: you would need to have a complete personality overhaul to become the sort of many that i see myself dating, as verified by refraining from offering your views on how i should look at any time that I see or interact with you. Call it common courtesy.
i know, it is probably hard for you to fathom that this website is not about you telling others on it how they should look, but there you have it. you seem vile in almost all respects. i myself was raised properly and know how easy it is to be polite or, in the alternative, keep your mouth shut. i'm sure if you could refrain from making gratuitous unsolicited comments about the appearance of virtual strangers you might be a nice person.
so, if you want to change yourself completely and develop a likeable personality, let me know. or you could just never log on to this site again and watch me smile, along with every other woman here.

actual response by me:

Holy merde. After your extremely bold email, I almost felt entitled to curse in English to a total stranger. Being a pirate, that seems allowed, doesn't it? Except the not really being a pirate part. Oh well... David, I both loathe and very much appreciate your candid email. Such blunt honesty with a stranger is risky behavior - and belies total confidence on your part. Uh... so many ways to respond. Luckily, honesty really is the best policy: You are right. It is THE big hang up. I am ahead of you here... and down by 50 pounds so far. I know how to do it and actually do it these days. It will be a few more months. As you may imagine, some self esteem adjustments come along with that. It's sort of a weird spot - digging yourself enough to make really positive, healthy changes while really not loving the body to which you're making them. (And hoping for someone to be patient and recognize a diamond in the rough with just a little more polishing required.)Whew, after just getting the nerve up to stick my toe in the water, your email is like being pushed all the way in the pool by a naughty older brother. (Ah, I definitely got some water up my nose!) All that being said, I may have to wait for that wink after a few months. I don't know that a weighing would make an ideal first date (especially since we missed the Chihuly walk). The blonde part is a deal breaker...I may not (yet) have a rockin' bod but the hair is actually in pretty good shape. heh.Thanks for the interesting and inspiration email. (I am glad I am well on my way - that one was a doozy!)

His reply:

yes, i know what i said was kind of risky. i am glad you took it the right way (i think). i just couldn't stand making up some kind of white lie excuse as to why i am not interested. the fact is, aside from the weight, i don't see anything wrong with you. you are indeed a diamond in the rough. just get rid of the rough part and you will have the good problem of too many men being interested in you. men are stupidly superficial. it is dumb and not fair, but that's the way it is.i hope you don't do anything extreme with dieting. starvation etc. doesn't work in the long run and is very unhealthy. plus, it is even more painful than gradual weight lose through conservative dieting. while you are waiting to lose the weight, i'd recommend ditching the see saw picture.i wish i were one of those guys who truly didn't care how heavy a women is. there are so many of them such as yourself who are otherwise of great quality. but alas i fall in the majority there. really, i wish you well.

Suggested reply:

OK, seriously, he needs to be slapped.
what you said was not risky, it was rude. i took it as i take things from people who have nothing better to do with their time than lob criticism at the general public (with a grain of salt). i'm so sorry to hear that you suffered internal torment debating whether or not to make up some kind of white lie excuse as to why you are not interested, thank goodness you were able to put an end to your agony by sending your ridiculous email. unfortunately, i do see much wrong with you. you are indeed overbearing and self-involved. just get rid of the notion that anyone who doesn't ask for your opinion actually wants it and you will have the good problem of perhaps not inspiring in others the revulsion you have inspired in me. acknowledging that you are stupidly superficial is a good first step but accepting it and acting on it as if it is "the way it is" is pathetic.
trust me, i have no intention of taking anything you've said to heart so you needn't worry about extreme dieting or starvation. i'd recommend ditching the holier-than-thou attitude.
i wish you were one of those guys who wasn't a total disappointment as well but, as you say, that's apparently just "the way it is"

What I am thinking of sending:

You have felt abundantly comfortable to share your useless knowledge with me so I shall do the same.
1) I don't need your advice - about anything - and certainly not about health and dieting. In case you haven't consulted a mirror lately, you don't actually know how to lose weight. And I do. And thanks Dr. Conceit, every single male in my family is a physician. Even our dog. I am the first in a long line to reject medical school precisely for the reason that it turns normal, sensitive people in to God-complexed assholes like you. But thanks so much for that.
2) Manners: you probably didn't hear this since you obviously didn't have a mother (and that is usually who passes on the good stuff): If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Also worth considering as an additional motto: Assume no one cares what you have to say you driveling, egomaniacal twerp.
3) In the end, this is a minor blip on the radar of online dating. But you do make me (and my myriad friends to whom I have now forwarded your photos and emails) want to become lesbians. Or nuns. Or whatever it takes to avoid contamination like you in the dating pool.
4) I may be fat but you're ugly and vacuous. There is a cure for what ails me.
5) I feel obligated to dispel any thought that you might, for a millisecond, think that I responded to you because of the way you look. That is NOT the case and I doubt it will be for anyone. You are so freaking lucky that you own a building. Sooo lucky. You are equally lucky that the women who might date you have not a single superficial cell in their bodies. Uh, obviously.
6)You are a pathetic excuse... nope, THE pathetic excuse for a "man." You should know better. You insult me then insult me further by pretending to do me a favor. Clearly one of us has an IQ that makes room for something other than inventions and judgments. Why don't you invent a muzzle? Then wear it.
You are as disappointing a man as they come - I have no doubt you will continue to disappoint. In every available area.
And in case you couldn't surmise, I don't actually wish you well... but you needn't worry, you are such a jerk, you will take adequate care of that on your own.
(As you furiously gather your tiny dim-witted thoughts of a possible response, relax. I blocked your emails.)
Merry Christmas!

p.s. I have taken the liberty of adding your photos and emails to the main page of www.dontdatehimgirl.com

p.p.s. About the see saw picture... I have some other ideas for the see saw, but you are clever inventor, I bet you can guess them.

You better be good...

And it's not just for Santa reasons any more. A colleague and I did a presentation at work yesterday for the litigation department of my firm. I do not recall ever feeling the way I felt, before, during and after. I was shocked at what a nerveball I was - and how I can distort something soooo much. On one hand, it's true, the two heads of the department sat right in front of us, staring, unflinching and without smiling, while I stumbled through an outline I had rehearsed many, many times. I was trying to force down my throat the giant lump stuck there, the lump that tasted a lot like "they totally control your destiny. Be good or you're out." When it was finally over, the wave of relief that I had expected to wash over me like a tidal wave was really just a puddle. Yeah, of sweat under each arm that almost soaked through my suit. I had no idea I was capable of such sweating! I really do thank God it was localized and that my face didn't sparkle like a disco ball while I was talking. It did however shine like a large Rudolph nose and continued to hurt me into the afternoon as the blood pooled behind my cheeks and forehead refused to travel to a single other part of my body. I'm okay, I beat gangrene. As I sat at my desk afterwards, door closed, going to town on myself as I received congratulatory and praising emails that dutifully ignored in my self hate fest, I began to decide that even that part of my life is also about discipline. I don't think anyone naturally thinks "yeah, no problem talking about something I know little about, to 100 people who will judge me and who hold my career in their back pockets..." And it isn't reasonable for me to expect that from myself. I am human. I clutched a couple of times (the damn lump was practically choking me, for Pete's sake) and I had a giant pause that felt like the whole game was beating my ass in the quiet game. But after careful review (i.e. 5 hours of self-bashing) I can't think of what I could have done in my preparation to make it better. And so, as I walked to catch the bus, I smiled a little and decided to be pleased. Which of course made me feel quite entitled to the cab I took instead.

And as for my reindeer purse... you know you want it. It was a good luck and Christmas present from a friend (and colleague) who told me that her stomach even got upset for me at the presentation. Funny, scary, and very touching!

Weight today: 264. You may notice this hasn't really budged in a while. You may also notice that I am delighted with this fact. It means I am managing Thanksgiving, numerous guests in town, holiday parties, minor surgery and the instruction not to exercise, family stress, and tense times at work, without giving in to my bad old coping habits. Just keep swimming.

Centipede

So this makes me think of a story. Someone said this looks like a scorpion. It reminded me of a centipede. (It can remind you that you have to wear plenty of sunblock if you are cursed old whitey like I am...) It is my second little procedure on the same spot - long story - and I have 12 stitches. I can say for certain that there is basically one spot that people pat when they hug each other. And I have 12 little stitches in it. Aware!

I was 9. My family had very different ideas of a vacation than we do now. Most families did then. There weren't many hotels that were fancy... like now. And certainly not so many in South Carolina. We went to the capital of my little state. And stayed at (ta-da!) the Holidome which was a Holiday Inn that boasted about its indoor/outdoor pool. Well, it was an outdoor pool, with part inside - and a FLAP instead of some sort of wall. So naturally, in the winter, it was useless. My interest in the pool instantly vanished when I discovered the arcade. Centipede. To this day, I adore it! I had played all of my quarters but one. I was rocking that little machine when a much older man in overalls appeared at my side. He made some vain attempts at conversation but only distracted me in the end...when I turned to tell him exactly how his chit chat was affected me, I became aware that he was involved in other activities pretty much unrelated to chatting, or Centipede but definitely related to little girls - if you're a pedophile. So, completely ignorant of what his behavior actually meant (or could have meant), I less than politely informed him that he was really bothering me and, worst of all, making me waste my last quarter when I was playing quite well. I requested that he please leave the arcade. 9. I knew what I wanted then and was so much more comfortable in asking for it. Where did that go!?
His sick conduct didn't even bother me enough to warrant mention to my parents until years later when I told my mother as part of the funny anecdote about that lousy hotel. And I don't feel worried or threatened or upset when I think about that day. I feel proud and a little surprised. Hilarious in the end, assertive little chica.

Centipede. A scar with legs. A reminder of my 9 year old prowess. :) Heh.

One day at a time

My weight is going down v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y. Crawling. This, of course, is no big mystery considering that I have been a giant couchon lately. Doesn't everything sound better in French? That's pig to all you anglophiles (well, not necessarily anglophiles but, you know, English speakers...). Lovely. Yes, a pig. My lesson here is that I won't always be a saint (again, no surprise there folks). The idea is to manage and not totally l ose control while recognizing that visits and parties and holidays still happen on the mission. I can enjoy them without going wild. And, more importantly, without shredding myself when I do enjoy them. I have reveled in the small moments that I begin to value myself as more than just a huge glob of fat. I like looking in the mirror and occasionally thinking "this is going to be okay. I will make it." A welcome departure from my usual convos with myself! My drastic plan to lose 20 pounds by the end of the year is drastically off track. I will shoot for 5 or 8 and realize that that is better than zero. Or better than heading in the other direction. I continue to remind myself that this is a process and I have to find something I can live with. (But really, I know that finding a healthier lifestyle is something that I won't live without.)
The park is getting cold but walking there is still such a pleasure. It's dog heaven in the mornings when they all congregate and misbehave like enthusiastic little puppies. Pure joy in fur coats (and, now, funny sweaters too).