You better be good...

And it's not just for Santa reasons any more. A colleague and I did a presentation at work yesterday for the litigation department of my firm. I do not recall ever feeling the way I felt, before, during and after. I was shocked at what a nerveball I was - and how I can distort something soooo much. On one hand, it's true, the two heads of the department sat right in front of us, staring, unflinching and without smiling, while I stumbled through an outline I had rehearsed many, many times. I was trying to force down my throat the giant lump stuck there, the lump that tasted a lot like "they totally control your destiny. Be good or you're out." When it was finally over, the wave of relief that I had expected to wash over me like a tidal wave was really just a puddle. Yeah, of sweat under each arm that almost soaked through my suit. I had no idea I was capable of such sweating! I really do thank God it was localized and that my face didn't sparkle like a disco ball while I was talking. It did however shine like a large Rudolph nose and continued to hurt me into the afternoon as the blood pooled behind my cheeks and forehead refused to travel to a single other part of my body. I'm okay, I beat gangrene. As I sat at my desk afterwards, door closed, going to town on myself as I received congratulatory and praising emails that dutifully ignored in my self hate fest, I began to decide that even that part of my life is also about discipline. I don't think anyone naturally thinks "yeah, no problem talking about something I know little about, to 100 people who will judge me and who hold my career in their back pockets..." And it isn't reasonable for me to expect that from myself. I am human. I clutched a couple of times (the damn lump was practically choking me, for Pete's sake) and I had a giant pause that felt like the whole game was beating my ass in the quiet game. But after careful review (i.e. 5 hours of self-bashing) I can't think of what I could have done in my preparation to make it better. And so, as I walked to catch the bus, I smiled a little and decided to be pleased. Which of course made me feel quite entitled to the cab I took instead.

And as for my reindeer purse... you know you want it. It was a good luck and Christmas present from a friend (and colleague) who told me that her stomach even got upset for me at the presentation. Funny, scary, and very touching!

Weight today: 264. You may notice this hasn't really budged in a while. You may also notice that I am delighted with this fact. It means I am managing Thanksgiving, numerous guests in town, holiday parties, minor surgery and the instruction not to exercise, family stress, and tense times at work, without giving in to my bad old coping habits. Just keep swimming.