Serenity Now!

Deep breaths. Eaaaasy... So I compose the CL, comprehensive list of reasons I want to change. And then I will make the list of reasons I suspect I desperately hang onto these horrid 90 extra pounds, almost a whole extra person!

Things to change, reasons...unpleasantries 1. clothes. The tall boots that are in style do not fit me. The ruffled skirts for spring that are so flirty and feminine won't work. Obsessionion - it cannot be more exhausting to walk down the street and focus on the bodies of every person I pass, letting my mind wander from conversations, ideas, tasks at hand. Stretch marks on my legs, waist, even arms now. 4. Sitting - positions in which to sit in a chair are limited by my rhinocerotic size. How about airplane seats, desks, subways, cars, etc. 5. Sweating - it will decrease. 6. Poor legs - rubbing together, coarsening the skin, blistering in the process 7. Paranoia - enough said 8. Ankles - I can get sexier legs when they have ankles. 9. Lingerie - from every day bras to the real deal, the best lingerie is in smaller sizes. no question. 10. More energetic - its is tiring lugging all this around 11. Can have conversation while walking up the stairs. I will not be out of breath from taking the stairs 12. Make others feel more comfortable 13. Double chin can go. I can FEEEEEL it! 14. No more snoring. 15. Cuter booty on the bike seat 16. Will be more agile 17. One word: Health 18. Bones in my chest - not the shoulders, the neck bones. Pronounced supersternal notch. 19. Can I please stop tugging on my clothes all the time! Goodness! I see people on the street, one jerking her bunched coat from under her backpack, another pulling a Tshirt tenaciously clinging to an oversized backside. That is me. That is me. That is me.

Steps to achieve it. 1. be conscious of my goals at all times. This is hard. Internalizing that this is what I really want is the most difficult part. 2. Be disciplined and rigid. Exercise without excuses. 3. Do not buy groceries or any food ever that do not contribute to my goals. 4. Surround myself with support system to a) check up on me and b) inspire me. 5. Think CONTROL and EASE. 6. Improve one little thing each day, something that makes me feel good. Take better care of my nails or use lotion on my face or shave my legs or whatever little thing happens to work that day. DO IT. 7. Be aware of my posture at all times and maintain the stance that someone who loves her body would take. 8. Listen to music that energizes and motivates me. Most people underestimate the power of music as an anchoring tool. I made a tape of songs I like to dance to when I used to go out and play them at the gym. I use music that makes me feel sexy. This helps me to visualize while I am exercising. 9. Eat when I am hungry. Something little, ssomething thatthy, somethingthat makes progress and something delicious. TASTE IT. Savoring each bite makes food a different experience. I will eat not to escape or to hide but to nourish and pleasure. I will eat because that is part of a healthy lifestyle. I will not overeat because I don't need to. I am a clever girl and can surely figure out another way to express my frustration/fear/anxiety/sadness 10. Realize there will be ups and downs. Learn from them. Enjoy them, if I can. 11. Write. Write. Write. What I eat, what I do, what I feel, what I buy, what I wear, what I think or say. This keeps my goals closer to conscious awareness and focuses me on my plan and purpose. 12. Have a little faith. Trust. My body knows what it needs. Be open to its messages and obey its wishes. 13. Become uncomfortable in the old body and imagine the new. There is a fine line between making myself uncomfortable enough to want to change and self loathing. Mastering this step will not be easy. 14. Visualize. All the time. The sooner I see myself as I wish and plan to be, I will have a concrete goal to work toward. 15. Don't be so harsh on my reflection. I never look in the mirror at the gym. I will start to look and focus on change. There are lots of opportunities to be seen there. 16. Relax. Take your time. No stressing or rushing. Set small realistic goals then take them down one by one. 17. And reward yourself along the way. NOT WITH FOOD. 18. And do keep a record of that progress. It is affirming to be able to look at something tangible - a chart, book, journal entries, pictures.

I can't forget where I started. Going back is a nightmare.