Public Secrets

It's funny. I always try to pretend like I am not fat. I try to wear the same clothes that everyone else wears. Do my make-up, my hair. My nails. (Though I don't feel particularly interested in these rituals.) I pretend to be active. I mean, I own a bike. I eat normally in public. I don't talk about my weight, or my overweight. Well, before now I mean. Heh.

The thing is, I think a lot of people who are overweight do this. Deny. Pretend. Hide. It is a shameful feeling. I wanted to buy a tennis skirt. I am trying to make positive changes and I want to at least look like I belong on the court - to the extent I can. No dice. Nike, Fila, Adidas, the big sports companies - do you think they make sports clothes for people who want to get fit? Right, zip. You can only wear their clothes if you're already there. I was frustrated, embarrassed, hurt. Looked and looked and got a great site with allll sizes. www.adintennis.com Can't wait! I decided not to be ashamed when I told the woman who took my order my size and predicament. There is nothing I can do to change that I am not already doing. That, in itself, is a relief. She was kind, matter of fact and the skirt will be shipped tomorrow.

I don't have to apologize. I don't need to explain. I can't explain it anyway. The bottom line is that I let things get out of control. And I am getting things back under control. It is a long process. Tough at times and always worth it. Then, when I rule the world, there will be tennis skirts for EVERYone. He hee.

It is an odd feeling to be ashamed of fat. It isn't something that one can successfully hide. I am fat. My arms, my legs, my rear, my hands, my face. I can deny it and pretend all I want to. It is my dark secret. My private shame. And totally public. On a heavy person, do you ever notice that person's nails first? Yeah, me either. My size is the first and most obvious thing about me. So, instead of focusing my energy on trying in vain to fool people into seeing me thin, I am going to rechannel that onto actually becoming fit.

Favorite summer snack: sliced cucumbers in a ziploc. Yes, I put salt in there. Can't kick all my bad habits at once, Jeez!

Mission for long weekend: walk each day.