Rose Colored Glasses

Took this photo through my sunglasses. (This is a cool trick Claire taught me in Prague. Check out her work at http://clk.my-expressions.com/index.html.)

I have needed these rose colored glasses lately and have become aware that I don't wear them when I should and wear them when I should not. For myself and for others I rationalize, excuse, explain. I rarely confront others for fear that they will abandon me or that they won't like me. Even strangers. And then there is the way I let myself misbehave too. I realize that this is inconsistent with how harshly I talk to myself but it is the yo-yo of bad behavior, rationalization, vicious condemnation that keeps me on the fat train. I mean, decide. If I am going to be viciously strict and unforgiving, well, be consistent for the love of God (best uttered in Tommy Boy by the late Chris Farley. And don't get me started on how someone can make a career of making fun of one's fat self. Destruction.) So how about this: no excuses for a little while? Just go with the harsh talk. Listen to it and let it guide me. There's a reason the inner voice is so ticked. A drastic change from self-love and sweet talk.

This week is rough. When a person I love is in distress, I suffer too. It's so hard when there seems to be nowhere to go with some super intense emotions. Ordinarily, I have turned to food. Not this time. Not for me, not for the people I love, not for my family or friends in turmoil.

In general, there is a build-up and no outlet. The fastest and most familiar/comfortable fix is food. Overeating is an instant numbing agent. I have, for the last few nights, forced myself to just sit with it, whatever it is. To feel it and experience it. It is revolting, overwhelming, terrifying. And, eventually, the intensity of whatever I am feeling passes. Without ice cream. Without cookies. With time and attention.

I am discouraged today and realize that fewer and fewer people are reading this. I am not inspiring and have not lost weight to say "look what I've done." I am refocusing my routine today and will stick to cardio for a bit and less weights to try to bun some fat pounds and just feel more motivated. I think of you each time I do it. Each morning. Each decision juncture. Don't give up on me. (Yes, I was saying that to my rose colored glasses self too!)