Sadam172002

So many places to start (nearly a month after I left off). Probably no use explaining why the hiatus. In a word, work. And in case my colleagues read this, it is safer to leave it at that.

The theme of this post is that (cerrrtainly) some of nature's little boo boos are nicer than others (i.e. deformaposie trumps siamese twin... and these fine male specimens....)

On to the unhappy online dating adventures of a disgruntled urban piglet.

1) Username: Sadam172002. Dear Sadam, You may not have heard about this yet, but your chosen screen name is not a big turn on for American women. Thought you'd like to know. (Are you kidding!!?! If you are, then you don't know how to kid properly because we should both be laughing. - Ellen DeGeneres)

2) Username: Handsome(bunch of numbers): Yo. Misnomer. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. But not quite. Since you vulnerized (yes, I can invent words here) yourself by writing to request "string free sex" from me, I will add to the misnomer remark. (P.S. How desperate do you think I look in my picture. Please consider well groomed hair, symmetrical features, all my own teeth, and nicely dressed as you answer this.) You are a dog. It's good that you describe yourself as "laid back." It's the only kind of laid you will ever be. No one decent (or indecent) is going to date the offspring of Cliff Claven and a mustachioed traffic cone. Hope St. Patrick's day brings you better luck in the future, idiot. And if you're interested in my feelings on flat tops? No. Not unless your're in kindergarten or starring in the Gomer Pyle show. Gawwwwly.

3) Sunday Honey: If you say you're 6'2, BE 6'2. If you say you're blonde, BE blonde. I don't care about these things except to the extent that you lie desperately and urgently about them. If you say you're investment banker with a big house in Connecticut (and you're obviously really not) BE that. Or just keep up the facade during the date so I can tolerate your short, cheap, pawing self while I finish my sushi. Nice trick of going to the bathroom while the check arrives. Try to touch me again and face exile into fast oncoming traffic along Amsterdam Avenue. Lost cause. And the follow-up email ("Hey you") Not cute. Also known as NO.

4) AlexinBrklyn: You are a disgusting pig. Call me a frigid bitch and guess I am even fatter in person? I am. I am loathesome, hideous, desperate and revolting. And even I wouldn't date you. :)

So this summarizes my weekly dating humor. (In fairness, I did have a couple of great dating experiences, but, as you know, those aren't nearly as entertaining!)