Thanks But No Thanks

Okay, so it's not a cat's lunch of choice. Probably not mine either. But my choice is to take care of myself which sometimes means a weird lunch: cucumber slices, steamed spinach and baba ganouj. Each time I feed my body, I have a choice. I never really thought about it that way before. When it's time to eat, I can give my body something it wants, something it can use or I can give it something worthless thatit will store in a special container known as a fat pouch. I am no kangaroo and have no use for pouches. Or paunches. Or ponchos for that matter but that's a separate topic, isn't it?
Early morning saw me on the tennis court today. I have made a commitment. I think about my choices each morning: to wake up with a mission, focused, to eat in a way that brings my goal closer, to find physical activity where I can, to say slightly gentler things to my reflection. This last one is the hardest and I know it is the most important for long term success. I still don't naturally think "I deserve to feel good. I deserve to look good. I deserve to take care of myself." Still, I am not missing my comfort foods that I now know are the sabatoge tools. When I approach my worries and shortcomings in even a slightly kinder way, I need no ice cream, no fritos for breakfast, no candy. Those foods mean (to me) "you are an awful person. Feel awful. You are nothing. You are invisible. " And they help me reach those goals - which is what they become when self-hate is my mantra - of being out of touch, numb, invisible, a lard ass. Chubby. Fat. Lazy. Corpulent. Slovenly. Good-bye frito breakfasts. Find someone else.
I have begun to understand, however small my progress is so far (and relatively speaking, the weight loss so far is small. The other progress, muuuch less small.) that I can design some parts of my life. For the first time that I can ever remember, I have started to feel tiny twinges of being in control. I feel less "drifty" and more"designy," becoming more of a participant in my life. I enjoy getting up earlier, cooking in a rush in my towel before work. I like to think about the sacrifices I make to be healthier and then to focus on enjoying making them. This is going to take a long time. And it is going to be worth it.